Twist in the road…

It seems that life just keeps throwing things our way and expects us to know how to deal with it. It was not even a week ago that I was struggling, terrified and unemployed, when around the corner a job offer lands in my lap. I see a door open right before my eyes only to realize another one is closing. Here it is…more….CHANGE. Instantly, I want to flee to a corner and hide, but doesn’t everybody? I am a counselor, use to change, I thrive on it, and I love it. I also absolutely hate it! I moved to southern Virginia when Mia was just fourth months old. Although, I never verbalized it to my family and friends at that time, I was in a horrible depression. I was in love with my daughter and devastated at the loss of my small family at the same time. My once outgoing and always talkative and active personality was gone. I ignored my phone, isolated myself and lived in my own private pity party for months. Of course, on the outside all anyone saw was me working, making baby food and kicking butt at the mom job. It’s funny how things aren’t always what they seem. 

It wasn’t until I met some amazing women, who were also single mothers that I even started to pull out of this funk. I began to be a mom again and stopped staring at the television in hopes that a perfect life would pop out right into my living room. I got dressed, put on makeup and smiled. It was wonderful. For the first time I felt strong, independent and driven to be the best person, mom, friend and employee I could be. This didn’t happen everyday but the days it did have been the best. On the days that didn’t, these new amazing moms I met were right by my side supporting me, encouraging me and cheering me up. Of all the friendships I have had over the years, never have I cherished any so much as these. Single motherhood is the best and the worst of times. It can be so challenging that sometimes it’s a struggle to even see the rewards. Having someone by your side to remind you that it’s okay and give you a boost is a miracle at times. I only wish that I have been able to return the favor. 

Now, I have to pack up my new independent life and return to a place I literally ran from. I have to leave people who mean the world to me, a countryside home I adore and small town life I so wanted to have. I am terrified to take a new step, a new job and venture towards an area that brought me so much pain.  Where would I be though if I didn’t take new steps and accept challenges? Whether you’re a single mom or not taking chances is how we learn, move forward and change. I have grown so much as a person and a mom in just the short time I lived in this area and I am forever grateful for it. I believe that I am stronger and more confident as a single mother than I ever was or would have been had I not come here. Its time to make the best decision I can to give my daughter the best life that she could possibly have. It won’t always be easy but it certainly isn’t impossible. I hope this new opportunity turns into a wonderful adventure for us and that I make good choices and bad and continue to learn and grow. 

To my moms, you know who you are, Thank you. Thank you for making me a stronger person, helping me move forward, listening to difficulties and giving wonderful advice. It’s amazing how much can be done while drinking wine. You all are truly wonderful, inspiring, strong independent mommas and I am so grateful to have you in my life. So, this isn’t good bye, this is more like Bon Voyage, because I’ll see you on my next trip. 

The Unemployment Train...

Its 9:00 am, my daughter is actually still asleep and I am just now waking up. The idea of getting out of my bed seems useless and unnecessary. What if I just don’t get up today? I eventually get up and so does Mia and we make are way through making a late breakfast and coffee for mommy. Its Sunday so in many homes this may be the way it goes, however, this has been my daily habit for a couple weeks now. I have been quite surprised at how well my daughter has handled this transition into mommy’s lack of motivation and routine. I really have a trooper on my hands. You never know what the world is going to throw at you next it seems, and I was definitely not ready for this twist in the road. You see, a few weeks a go I walked into my office and carried on my usual daily work. I spoke with co-workers, handled some problems checked paper work and all while feeling extremely ill from my inflamed stomach problems at the time. When out of the blue my boss walks into the office and says “we need to talk and your not going to like it”. I was terminated on the spot, asked to clean out my things and told to leave with no severance, no two weeks and no respect. So, in less than an hour I went from a single working mommy to a single unemployed mommy or rather mess. 

I am sure being unemployed as a single woman is hard but as a single mom it’s terrifying. As I drove down the road tears flooded my eyes and every worry and concern seemed to smack in the face at once. How would we survive? What am I going to do about food? We have no insurance. So I went home cried, took a 20-minute nap and got up and applied to 3 jobs before picking up my daughter from her babysitter. I didn’t want to pick her up in the condition I was when I got home. At first I was depressed but I felt pretty motivated about the new opportunities that lay ahead. Lets be honest, I was not happy at that job and so maybe this was a break for me. However, as the weeks progressed and multiple job interviews turned into nothing I slowly lost that motivation. This morning I woke up feeling tired, sad and hopeless. When multiple people make comments about your weight and ask if your “okay”, you start to realize that maybe your not handling things as well as you thought. 

I imagine that many single moms are out there right now struggling with the same thing. How do they do it without falling apart? My only guess is taking it one day at a time. I am fortunate to have a great amount of support from my friends and family, which has really held me up these past weeks. My daughter has been wonderfully resilient and dealt with mommy even with the ups and downs of the day, driving different places for interviews and not staying in her own bed. These things I am so grateful for, even when I in a bad mood and can’t express it. So, instead of looking at the sad, depressing aspects of this current situation I am trying to look at the positives.

           

1.     I get to spend more time with my daughter

2.     I get to spend more time writing

3.     New and exciting opportunities are waiting ahead

4.     Sleeping in is actually nice sometimes.

5.     I can catch up on my reading

I realize that lately I haven’t been looking at the positives and this is my reminder to others and myself that its time to start. I truly believe that we draw energy to us that we put out.  I don’t want to draw anymore-negative energy into my life. Its time to get some positive back and enjoy this new path we are on, wherever it may lead us. 

Woman of Value....

Once long ago (long being back when I was 16) I was given some infinite wisdom and despite my red headed, stubborn, teen angst personality at that time it stuck with me. It was simply this, the words "I'm a Woman of Value" written in my journal and later up on my mirror with lipstick. I was told to repeat it, believe it, and write about it at a time when I felt far less miserable about myself than I may ever have. I kept this motto with me for years and it kept me strong until, somewhere around college I seemed to forget it again, it was always in the back of my mind but not up front where it should be. Over the weekend as I nervously prepared for my second mothers day as a single mom, cleaned house and prepared myself for a job that I feel I am failing at I remembered this lovely piece of advice. It reminded me that we cannot function at our best or be our best as mothers, employees, students, peers, friends or anything else in life unless we have faith and confidence in ourselves. 

With my head held high I returned to work yesterday with this thought in my mind and felt like I had a wonderful day. That is until a dreaded email came that evening that was passive aggressive in nature and sent me right back to the bottom again. Woe is me, fill up my pity cup I am done I thought. I was so frustrated and low that I had every bit of nerve ready to quit my job. However, I woke up at 6am and spent the next hour analyzing the situation until I realized, I was not at fault, I was a good counselor, a good employee and in fact a Woman of Value! I will save the nitty gritty of the rest of the day, and just report it wasn't the best day but it was much better than I thought it would be. 

It is so important that whether we are single mothers, co-parents, or even just ourselves alone that we have to take care of ourselves and believe in ourselves first. I know, if your anything like me your shaking your head right now and thinking of how difficult it is to find 15 free minutes in the day to "take care of yourself" with a child, a career, a house to clean, food to cook, pets to feed etc. Trust me, I think this everyday. But, the difference I feel between giving in laying in bed and not taking those five, ten or 15 minutes to myself is a life changer for me in my career and in my home life. As a counselor, I preach self care everyday but rarely do I take my own advice. It is high time this changes. What kind of counselor am I if I don't practice what I preach? I am challenging my self to look in the mirror, tell myself I am a woman of value and take some time to make it so. 

I want to challenge you to do the same. Take some time and make a list of all the things you do for yourself on a weekly basis. Now break it down to daily. On the other side make a list of all the things you do in a week and day that you do for everyone else. Next step.....rip it up! Its invigorating. Now, I am not saying forgo your motherly duties, buy a new outfit and go shake your butt at the local club, because we all know how that will turn out (put down the glitter MILF necklace). What I am saying is take at least 15 minutes out of your day for yourself. Start with small goals and than move up. Make a list of things you would like to do for yourself and prioritize. Mine are as follows: 

1. Exercise daily --- Goal: at least 3 x a week  (by starting small you won't get overwhelmed)

2. Meditate --- Goal : attend meditation once

In order to achieve these goals one plan I am working on is a membership for myself and Mia to the YMCA. This way I can take care of myself physically and mentally and spend quality time with her there as well. Mentally I am going to remind myself everyday that I am a Woman of Value and that I can do whatever I set my mind too. It sends me to work with a better mood, I am happier when I get home and in the end I am a better mother when I do this. It is so important for us all to get in the habit of doing things to support ourselves. As mothers we spend so much time caring for others and its tiring. I do this not only at home but in my job as well, so by the time I do get home, I am frustrated and tired and crabby. We should all take a minute to remind ourselves of who we really are and where we want to be. You can't care for others properly if you don't care for yourself first.

Bewitched.....

It’s a funny thing, growing up. Everyone seems to do it so differently yet we all really end up in the same place. I always thought that I had to strive to find this perfection in life. I remember taking probably at least 10 pregnancy tests before the idea of actually being pregnant stuck in my head. I was terrified. It wasn’t the plan; it wasn’t the way things were supposed to happen. You see, I had a very specific plan and it was very quickly falling off course. I remember spending 2 hours sitting in the bathtub in udder panic. I wasn’t married and I was in the midst of a relationship that was probably not the healthiest and my gut could tell. I grew up wanting to have children but what was I going to do? How could I manage this? At the time I was still working full time and trying to finish a Masters degree program. All I could see was my life crumbling and all of my parent’s mistakes coming forward. For years I ran my mouth about how important it was to me to not have children until I was established in a good career, married and could support a kid in every way they needed.

            My whole life, the one thing I thought I would be good at was being a parent. It was also, the one thing that terrified me the most and honestly still does. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect? It’s impossible. I don’t know about everyone else, but I grew up a little “old school”. My mother had an interesting job, which often kept her up late hours and that was really when I got to spend the most time with her. I snuck out in the middle of the night when she was still awake to cuddle up in down comforters with her watching old movies and TV shows. My favorites including anything with Audrey Hepburn, Bewitched, I Love Lucy and the Brady Bunch. Who doesn’t love TV Land and Nick and Nite. Still to this day I will choose those over any other show or movie.  

            The only problem here is that my “home life” didn’t replicate that of a so – called normal life style. I quickly took to television and unrealistic ideals to perfect my idea of what my future life should be. Silly. Yes. But, true nonetheless. It wasn’t until I moved in with Mia’s father and started to begin my own family that I realized how much I internalized these shows. Actually, if we get technical it wasn’t until I moved out and looked back at the wreckage we both made that I realized this to be truthful. Since my own home life was anything but average or consistent, these unrealistic shows became my teachers. I will not hold myself fully responsible for what happened in my relationship but I did have a lot to do with it. I lived in chaos so much of my life that now I try to perfect and control things to a fault. You’re probably thinking “yah she’s joking” but your wrong. I am the one who literally spent 45 minutes trying to get my bed made to perfection just so I could go to bed.  I expected everything to be perfect and work together like clock work so one argument, one cigarette smoked, or the dishes left in the sink at night was more than I could handle. Thankfully, having Mia completely changed this or at least mostly. I still struggle with that control freak instinct but she somehow instantly calms me.

            The point of my long and ridiculous rant however, is we all have this perfect idea of what our life, family, and career is suppose to look like but the truth is everyone’s life and dreams are far from two of the same.  In general society we spend so much time judging others, watching TV, listening to what things “should” look like as decided by so called experts that we forget that we are all just human. Its okay if you come from a broken home, if the dishes aren’t done or sometimes your 70-year-old mother wakes you up in the middle of the night. All these things and more really are what make us unique, curious and strong individuals. I need to spend less time trying to live up to an unrealistic dream and more time cherishing what I have. We all need to stop trying to put up a perfect picture of what should be and just accept what is and love our lives and ourselves. Hiding who we really are only continues a revolving circle of little white lies. I know that I want my daughter to be proud of her life, her family and her dreams regardless of what happens. My current goal is working on letting go of that control and that picture perfect scene I think I need to have. I accept my life for what it is, I will take one day at a time and I will love everything in between.

A few of my favorite things....

If you are becoming a mommy or already are, I am sure you are well aware of the sprint to collect things for your bundle or bundles of joy. I remember very clearly being on that path.....more stressful than enjoyable for me. However, once Mia arrived I was quite fortunate to have acquired a great deal to prepare for Mia, and as a single mom it was a huge blessing. I thought that I would share some of my favorite tips and favorite items for anyone it might help. First of all...baby showers can be expensive, time consuming and stressful on the hosts part, but completely worth it! I want to stress that for me the joy in my baby showers was getting to celebrate my daughter. I was so happy to have such a wonderful miracle that I wanted to celebrate and share that joy with anyone and everyone I could. If you haven't had a shower yet don't forget that. It is your day to enjoy what life has blessed you with and don't let anyone step in the way of that. Lucky as I am, I had two showers. One was for close friends and the other strictly family (I have a huge family so it was needed).
Here are my top 5 ways to reduce costs and stock up:

1. Diaper Raffle - this is a must. I was able to stock up on enough diapers and wipes for Mia until she was 6 months old!!

2. Decorations - make your own. My cousin hand made decorations and invitations that were beyond beautiful and much more meaningful than costly banners.

3. Food - Potluck....this is not an idea I did but would have in retrospect, as it greatly cuts costs and it  puts less on the hostess.

4. Registry - Make sure you put on items that you will NEED. You will get tons of cute outfits regardless of whats on your registry so think ahead.

5. Hand me downs - I obtained quite a few larger items from my best friend which was absolutely amazing. They grow so fast buying brand new is just not worth it. 

I still have a stock of baby shampoo and lotion for Mia that should last me quite a while. As she is growing though, I am quickly learning new ways to lower costs and keep up with all her changing needs. One thing that I do continuously is watch Craigslist and baby swap sites on Facebook for clothes, toys and other items that Mia needs or can use. I purchased her walker which was almost brand new for only 20 bucks. It was a good thing too because she barely used it and now would rather crawl under it than walk with it. Not  to mention, shes a walking fool these days. Babies are expensive, we have all been told that I am sure a million times, but you never really understand it until it hits you smack in the face. These days we are lucky to have a million options available to help cut costs and as single parents its a must. From used items to tricks of the trade you learn to manage with what you have and you also learn not to skimp on the important things.
I spent a great deal of my pregnancy reading and I learned that some things I was just not willing to skimp on, diapers being one of them. With so many chemicals and recalls make sure that you choose wisely when it comes to your baby. Here are some of my favorites items/brands:

1. Honest Diapers - Not only are they safe but they come in adorable prints for boys and girls.
2. Honest Healing Balm - After trying multiple diaper creams, this one is the only one I will use.
3. Dr. Browns Bottles -  Cute and good for reducing gas. Smaller size worked for Mia as shes so tiny.
4. Soy Formula - I had to switch at about 7 months from breastfeeding and this was my #1 choice
5. Aden + Anais Blankets - my favorite blankets, thin breathable and super soft and cozy.

Of course some of these items I no longer use I am grateful I had them. I can't give Mia everything I want to but at least I can make sure that shes got what she needs. I have learned that I can't keep everything perfectly organic or chemical free, but I can do my best to try. Until next time.

Cherish your Time

Is it me, or is life moving just a little bit too fast these days? I remember feeling like I had all the time in the world to get things done, but these days there isn't enough time in the week. Moms everywhere tell you when your pregnant how fast things go but you never believe it until it happens. I try to cherish every moment I have with Mia which isn't exactly an easy thing to do as a single parent. I am fortunate however, that I have some flexibility in my job scheduling so that I can make some time to be with her. Although, I do make it a priority. When I was hired for my current position, the first thing I asked was about flexibility. I told them upfront I was a single parent and that I needed to be available for my child whenever she needed me. Growing up, my mother worked so much that I have rare memories of spending time with her. I taught myself how to shave my legs, to cook and numerous other things most mothers or parents should teach you. I don't hold any resentment towards her because I know that she (for the most part) was doing what she felt she needed to do to care for us.
It is already so difficult for me to watch Mia have to suffer without a father in her life, because I know first hand the pain and sorrow that it causes. She will have to understand a much different sorrow than I did because unlike her, my father did not choose to walk away from us but was taken. So as a parent, I want Mia to have everything and above all I want her to have time which seems to go by so fast these days.  I try to make sure that I spend time with her as much as I can. These are just some of the things I try to incorporate for us to make this possible....

Every night before bed, Mia gets a bottle and her blanket. We cuddle in the chair while I read to her until she falls asleep. Currently we are on : The tales of Beatrix Potter ( a childhood book of my own)

Snow days - I work from home (regardless of whether my babysitter can take her). Maybe its taking an excuse but I get my work done and I get to see her smiling bubbly face.

On the days that I have to work later in the evening, I wake up earlier and go into the office after we have breakfast, so that I can at least have one meal with her.

I put up electronics and distractions ( unless I am taking pictures of course) during bath time, reading time, night time and most sundays so I can focus only on her.

On the same note, electronics allow me to share Mia with her uncle, grandma and extended family through skype and phone calls which I am very grateful for.

I don't know if its the same for families with two parents but I know as a single parent of a gorgeous girl I can't make time slow down enough and it is so easy to get caught up in the chaos that I forget to look around at the miracle I was given. So I try to remind myself with Mia and every area of my life...to breathe and take a minute. Don't forget how lucky you are to have something so special that you were blessed with to care for, cherish, laugh with and raise. What else matters in life? At the end of the day will you look back and remember the reports that you turned in or will you remember the smile on your childs face? This isn't to say we should ignore work or slack in other areas of our lives but your only young once and memories don't wait.....paperwork, it does.

Truth

I pretend that I am okay. I wake up in the morning I prepare Mia’s food, get ready for work and drink my coffee…not without some frustration and the occasional crabbiness, yet still trying to act like everything is well and fine. I go to work and put on a good face and than I leave. Blasting music is almost the only way I can handle getting home to keep my thoughts from running wild. Picking Mia up distracts me and gives me a wonderful overwhelming feeling of love that I try to keep entrapped as long as I can. However, it never fails to come back to me, this overwhelming never-ending feeling of loneliness and confusion. I knew that my relationship may not last but I never expected for Mia to loose a parent. Regardless of what happened I always believed in my heart that he would do the right thing, after all he has two previous kids, I have seen the love in his eyes I know he means well….but 13 months later that’s not proving to be the point.

So many people have told me to move on, get over it, your better than this, and blah, blah, blah. Well…I am trying. All I can do right? I just can’t wrap my mind around what happened. Was it me, him, the alcohol or did I push him too hard? No matter what I do my mind runs back to these questions and thoughts repeatedly throughout the day. I may be in my car at home or in the store, it doesn’t matter and it never seems to go away. I wish that I was one of those people who could just move on, no regrets, here’s my path lets go. But, I can’t. Maybe, its because I feel like its my mother all over again, or maybe its because I can’t stand to be alone or what if its because I know no one will get through to him. Yes, this is me. I analyze my thoughts feelings, actions and basically entire life until I have driven myself completely mad or I pass out (which usually comes first).

All I know is that I grew up with out a dad, and I never wanted my own daughter to have to deal with that. This whole situation seems so hopeless. I feel guilty like somehow I caused this. My normal go-getter, out going personality has turned to hermitsville. I dread talking to people because I feel judged or criticized or hated. In the south single mom hood isn’t looked upon very nicely but up north well it wasn’t much better. Apparently, more than one person believed that I got pregnant on purpose, as if I needed more judgment, but people have opinions and truth be told when I was a kid I lied almost inherently. Thanks to my mom it was second nature and something I have fortunately grown out of. The trouble is trying to explain that to your family years later.