Bewitched.....

It’s a funny thing, growing up. Everyone seems to do it so differently yet we all really end up in the same place. I always thought that I had to strive to find this perfection in life. I remember taking probably at least 10 pregnancy tests before the idea of actually being pregnant stuck in my head. I was terrified. It wasn’t the plan; it wasn’t the way things were supposed to happen. You see, I had a very specific plan and it was very quickly falling off course. I remember spending 2 hours sitting in the bathtub in udder panic. I wasn’t married and I was in the midst of a relationship that was probably not the healthiest and my gut could tell. I grew up wanting to have children but what was I going to do? How could I manage this? At the time I was still working full time and trying to finish a Masters degree program. All I could see was my life crumbling and all of my parent’s mistakes coming forward. For years I ran my mouth about how important it was to me to not have children until I was established in a good career, married and could support a kid in every way they needed.

            My whole life, the one thing I thought I would be good at was being a parent. It was also, the one thing that terrified me the most and honestly still does. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect? It’s impossible. I don’t know about everyone else, but I grew up a little “old school”. My mother had an interesting job, which often kept her up late hours and that was really when I got to spend the most time with her. I snuck out in the middle of the night when she was still awake to cuddle up in down comforters with her watching old movies and TV shows. My favorites including anything with Audrey Hepburn, Bewitched, I Love Lucy and the Brady Bunch. Who doesn’t love TV Land and Nick and Nite. Still to this day I will choose those over any other show or movie.  

            The only problem here is that my “home life” didn’t replicate that of a so – called normal life style. I quickly took to television and unrealistic ideals to perfect my idea of what my future life should be. Silly. Yes. But, true nonetheless. It wasn’t until I moved in with Mia’s father and started to begin my own family that I realized how much I internalized these shows. Actually, if we get technical it wasn’t until I moved out and looked back at the wreckage we both made that I realized this to be truthful. Since my own home life was anything but average or consistent, these unrealistic shows became my teachers. I will not hold myself fully responsible for what happened in my relationship but I did have a lot to do with it. I lived in chaos so much of my life that now I try to perfect and control things to a fault. You’re probably thinking “yah she’s joking” but your wrong. I am the one who literally spent 45 minutes trying to get my bed made to perfection just so I could go to bed.  I expected everything to be perfect and work together like clock work so one argument, one cigarette smoked, or the dishes left in the sink at night was more than I could handle. Thankfully, having Mia completely changed this or at least mostly. I still struggle with that control freak instinct but she somehow instantly calms me.

            The point of my long and ridiculous rant however, is we all have this perfect idea of what our life, family, and career is suppose to look like but the truth is everyone’s life and dreams are far from two of the same.  In general society we spend so much time judging others, watching TV, listening to what things “should” look like as decided by so called experts that we forget that we are all just human. Its okay if you come from a broken home, if the dishes aren’t done or sometimes your 70-year-old mother wakes you up in the middle of the night. All these things and more really are what make us unique, curious and strong individuals. I need to spend less time trying to live up to an unrealistic dream and more time cherishing what I have. We all need to stop trying to put up a perfect picture of what should be and just accept what is and love our lives and ourselves. Hiding who we really are only continues a revolving circle of little white lies. I know that I want my daughter to be proud of her life, her family and her dreams regardless of what happens. My current goal is working on letting go of that control and that picture perfect scene I think I need to have. I accept my life for what it is, I will take one day at a time and I will love everything in between.