Calling for a return to Nature...

Isn’t it amazing that in a world of so much wonder, we as a society never seem to notice how blessed we are? In a world full of gadgets, iPhone's, technology and reality television the simple yet spectacular world around us gets forgotten. As I am sitting on my back porch (with my laptop ignoring this bliss) I realize that I too fall into this black hole. I look up to see the last glimpse of the sunset on the horizon, a barely pink sky, and the clouds moving along in preparation for a summer storm. It fascinates me. When was the last time you stopped and watched the clouds roll by? Have you ever noticed that some move while others seem to sit still? These are the things I don’t want to miss. These are the things I want to make sure my daughter cherishes. Although I live right in the middle of a major metropolitan area, I am fortunate enough to have found a 5^th floor condo that gives me the perfect view of the mountains in the distance and a glimpse past the high-rises and bright city lights. I think it’s someone’s way of attempting to keep me grounded, because sometimes only nature can do that. Today’s generation is definitely far from the one I grew up in. It saddens me that so many people miss these opportunities because they’re stuck inside glued to the television, video games or social media. Now, I love social media and technology just as much as the next person does, my only point is that sometimes it’s too much. It seems to me the more we get drawn in by this world of technology the less we pay attention to our environment. We ignore the extinction of our animals, we are too lazy to separate our trash or pick up what others have left, and we close our eyes to the hungry and the poor. As a child, I spent my days outdoors playing in the dirt, climbing trees and sneaking into my neighbors yard to ride her horses (I was a bit of a daredevil). I cherished my environment and I felt nurtured by nature and animals and all the elements combined. I hope that one day our society wakes up to see what they are missing before it’s too late. Our children are the future. Yes, we have all heard this one before but it’s true. Let us show them how we grew up. Lets remind them that the world is spectacular and filled with so many amazing phenomenon’s still waiting to be found and explained. This summer I plan to make sure that I take my daughter outside everyday. I plan to pick up the trash I see laying on the ground. I plan to play in the dirt with her, climb trees and teach her about all the wonders of nature. I am grateful for this world and everything it has to offer. I am determined to ensure that my daughter experiences everything she can. I challenge you. What are you going to do? Will you be one to sit back and ignore this wonder or will you step outside and watch the clouds roll by?  

Midnght Ramblings...

Saturday nights have certainly changed since I became a mom… a single working mom at that. As I am dozing off reading my latest self-help book on the couch with my sparkling water I realize I am probably just better off heading to bed. I get up to take out the trash and put my on my shoes, instantly realizing that one of them is soaking wet. Now, my daughter, who has been potty trained for months first comes to mind, I smell my shoe, that can’t be it so what is it? I reach down to the carpet and run my hand along the wall to realize, yet again, I have another water leak. I try to remain calm as I call the front desk and request on call maintenance and wait for their assistance. Unfortunately, maintenance than tells me that they are going to charge me $150 dollars if they come now and that I should wait until Monday. My calm goes out the window. My mind begins overloading as I think back on the previous two water issues, mildew mold, my daughters health, my health, money, and finally that fact that no laundry is getting done which will now sit in the washer half done until Monday.  My anxiety starts to rise and this is when I start to collapse.

I usually can maintain my cool these days using multiple different tools in my bag of tricks, including screaming into a pillow, however, sometimes it just boils over. Today my pot boiled over and spilled out all over the rug…literally. One really difficult part of this path for me is the lack of access to support that I feel sometimes. As a single mom there’s no one to hold my hand or run to when shit gets tough, and I am certainly not waking up a 3 year old. I use to have a huge group of friends and people in my life but something happens over time especially when you have kids and I no longer have access to them anymore. Sure my facebook is filled with “connections” but when it comes down to it, these people don’t really see me. Since my daughter was born only a small group of my friends have actually stuck around and by small I mean maybe two. Fortunately, I was able to build some new relationships with other moms but they aren’t always available, due to the same reasons I am not.

So, back to my aquatic adventure, as I start to crash I instantly reach to my phone and dial numbers only to find out that of course no one will answer at 10pm on a Saturday night. So, I do what any normal respecting sane parent would do and fall to the floor in a pile of tears. You may think I am just crying over water but that’s not the only concern. It’s a culmination of many days and weeks of similar small things adding to the current state of misery. You see, as I told my best friend (the only one available finally by phone), sometimes I feel like I am living in a sad 90’s chick flick. I mean sometimes I can laugh about it, but sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs “give me a break!”  I work so hard to be where I am and more often than not, I do it all by myself. So yes, you may see me on the outside: tough, resilient, smiling and laughing, but on the inside is an overwhelming pot of emotions just ready to spew out at something as simple as a leak. People like to give me all this advice for what a single mom should do, but at the end of the day, even though I can’t bring myself to ask for it, I just want someone there. Sometimes, all I need is a hug or to hear a voice, anything to know that I am not completely alone. I don’t want someone to tell me how to raise my daughter or criticize my choices or tease me because I can’t work out. “Figure it out”, they say. “You make time if you really want it” they say. 

Sure, live my life and than give me that advice because really, you have no idea! Maybe just a minute or two of peace would help but who wants to visit a one-bedroom apartment with a toddler? It seems that this new lifestyle is going to be something that I will always have to strive to get use to but maybe one day it won’t be just us. Maybe one day there will be someone else at the end of the phone or a helping hand. Maybe one day I won’t have to deal with bugs and leaks, past due bills, and lack of sleep. All I have is hope that I will get through this, hope that I will give my daughter the live she deserves and hope that all will work out. I do the best I can and sometimes if that means falling on the floor in a pile of tears, than that’s what I do. I let it out, brush it off and get up and try again. Its all I can do to keep moving forward and looking up and striving to be the best me I can be.

Snow Day 2015

Last night I easily assumed that I should just go to bed early and set my alarm because there was no way the government was closing regardless of the snow. So to my surprise, when my alarm sounded at 5:30 am and I looked down to see a notification from twitter that Fairfax County had closed I practically yipped for joy before going back to sleep. An adult snow day is practically every hard working adult, parent or grownups dream, right? Truth be told I went through the phases of excitement, job, concern, worry, stress, more stress and than back to bliss. Why, you might ask? To put it simply....work. With 62 clients, low staff, one sick staff member and a supervisor off for medical leave the past few weeks have been full of one chaotic event after another. So after a day off and now two days off I was struggling with the worries of what I will return to and the joy of spending the day with my daughter with an additional break from the chaos. Finally, I settled on the feeling of joy and happiness and decided that being stressed all day just wasn't going to cut it. I checked my phone messages and email and did what I could after a great breakfast, actually being able to watch the news and two cups of coffee.

                          

As a single parent it is so easy to get wrapped up in work, chores, cleaning and every other thing on the to do list that we rarely get to stop and breathe, much less play with our children. I try very hard to make it a priority to spend time with Mia but, that doesn't always happen. Whats worse is when I get short or frustrated when she just wants some mommy time. This is natures way of telling us all to slow down. Take a break she says, be a kid she says. So, I did and boy did we have fun! We cuddled and napped (well she napped I looked up beach houses for the summer), played inside, Skyped with friends and journeyed into the snow. Mia and mommy built her very first snowman and it made me realize that I don't have one single memory of building a snowman alone or with anyone. It is just one more reason that I will do everything in my power to cherish these moments and make sure that Mia has these memories and that we continue to make more. At the end of the day its not about us, its not about work, or how much money you make or how clean the house is, its about the child. Yes there will be days where you can't get everything done, or you miss a big moment or you get overwhelmed with work or things to do, but your child won't remember the few moments like these they will remember the big moments when mommy took a break, playing in the snow, cuddling on the couch.

Top: Me, mom and Great Grandma B, Bottom: Me, daddy, my half-sisters, Great Grandma and the doggies, than finally me and Great Grandma B

   
I am glad that I had this helpful reminder today not only that I can't do everything but that I don't have to. Today I got two wonderful surprises that reminded me how precious time and memories are. First was the snow day and second was the surprise package of childhood photos I got that I had never seen. Now, I certainly can't change my childhood (which had its own wonderful moments), but I can most definitely make sure Mia has the best childhood I can give her. She doesn't need toys, or treats or extra things all she needs is me, and all I need is her. Happy Snow Day 2015!

Becoming a City Slicker....

The alarm sounds, toddler whizzes past the bathroom and straight for the couch....distant warnings in the background "watch out for the.." and its too late the floor won this fight 1-0. As the mother comes out and picks up her darling daughter off the floor she sighs and wonders how long it will take for the coffee to brew....

The transition from baby to toddler is certainly an interesting one to say the least. I didn't count on it being so exciting when I decided, or more or less was thrown into a huge life change including a new job, a move and then another move. I can't fathom that July was the last time I even sat down to my writing. It's true what they say about time flying by faster and faster as we get older. Its even worse when you have a kid! I feel like the days are slipping away so quickly and wondering how this happens. My beautiful daughter has grown so amazingly over the past few months into a rambunctious, very independent, extremely verbal and dramatic toddler. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this single mom game the tables turned!

In truth its actually quite wonderful even with the ups and downs, so here's a quick peek into what all has happened over the past few months. In November Mia and I finally were able to move into our own place! Just a little taste of the difference between Roanoke and Northern Va. We went from a huge 2 bedroom basement apartment for $650 a month to a 818 square feet one bed condo for $1150. Yes you read right, talk about a price change. Fortunately we have managed to make it work.

Mia's Dresser

My Bed

Mia's Bed

As you can see the bedroom is split so Mia and I both have our own side. Although, it is not up yet I plan to also hang a curtain from the ceiling that will act as a divider which will be somewhat sheer so it still gives me an idea into what she is doing when shes being quiet and mischievous. The dinning room, living room and kitchen are coming along quite nicely too, however, I would like to be more organized than I am currently. Just one of my many 2015 new years resolutions. Life in the city has definitely been different with both good and bad parts. I am back in Alexandria in close proximity to Old Town which is a dear love of mine. I am fortunate to be able to share all of this with Mia. Old Town Alexandria is home to the Torpedo Factory Art Center  which is a great place to stroll and often their are musicians hanging around front playing and bringing life to the streets. This is our go to on the weekends now.



















The next place I am planning to check out is a place in Fairfax called PB and Jack , which apparently has yoga classes on the weekend, which I would love to get into if I can afford it. We are fortunate to be in an area with so many museums, activities and opportunities which does excite me. However, one realization I have come to in returning home is that I have limited to no connection with my old social groups. You always hear how things change when you become a parent but I never expected my friends to be that way. Since I have been home I have only seen my old friends twice. I am learning not to take it to heart when I see them out doing things but unwilling to interact with me and Mia.

There seems to be some disconnect between those who have kids and those who don't, silly to me but quite true. Just the other day, an old friend went downtown to walk around and do brunch, when I inquired why she didn't call me she said "you have a kid". Well, brace yourself moms, apparently "kids" don't walk and definitely can't do brunch. Excuse my snickers, but, are you serious? Yes, she was very serious. So I dearly miss the meetups, the close group of parents I had in Roanoke and the connections I had made. Fortunately, I have maintained those contacts and it has encouraged me to look for more up here. I have joined a few meetups and will be sure to post how they turn out.

On the sperm donor front, moving home has made little to no change. I drove to see Mia's father once since we have been home and it ended in me buying dinner for him and the children and a request for money for laundry. Mia's paternal grandmother and other family members have been exactly the same, no contact, no response. I am coming to terms, although slowly, with the very realistic truth that Mia will not have her father in her life. I feel like this is something that will always pull on my heart strings and sometimes I wonder whether I have to strength to manage, but I know in the end this is better. She is thriving, talking so much and one of the happiest toddlers I have ever seen and there is no way I will put her at risk to be pulled into a negative relationship with an alcoholic who refuses to grow up. I am realizing that I cannot change him no matter how hard I try or what field I am in. I can however, protect my daughter and give her everything she needs. She does not need to know the negative things about her father or even why he's not around, right now she just needs to be loved and supported and that is what she will get.

The job with Pathway Homes, Inc. that I took when I moved has been beyond amazing for us. It has really enlightened me into the world of homelessness, which was not one of my expertise. The new challenges and benefits of an upper level management position have really taught me a great deal and given me an amazing opportunity to share my knowledge with a younger generation in the field of Mental Health. 

Its been a lot of changes, too many to really post here but as you can see, we seem to be doing alright. I will be writing more and focusing on freelance as I continue to get settled and organized here in the city. Happy 2015, its going to be great!

Twist in the road…

It seems that life just keeps throwing things our way and expects us to know how to deal with it. It was not even a week ago that I was struggling, terrified and unemployed, when around the corner a job offer lands in my lap. I see a door open right before my eyes only to realize another one is closing. Here it is…more….CHANGE. Instantly, I want to flee to a corner and hide, but doesn’t everybody? I am a counselor, use to change, I thrive on it, and I love it. I also absolutely hate it! I moved to southern Virginia when Mia was just fourth months old. Although, I never verbalized it to my family and friends at that time, I was in a horrible depression. I was in love with my daughter and devastated at the loss of my small family at the same time. My once outgoing and always talkative and active personality was gone. I ignored my phone, isolated myself and lived in my own private pity party for months. Of course, on the outside all anyone saw was me working, making baby food and kicking butt at the mom job. It’s funny how things aren’t always what they seem. 

It wasn’t until I met some amazing women, who were also single mothers that I even started to pull out of this funk. I began to be a mom again and stopped staring at the television in hopes that a perfect life would pop out right into my living room. I got dressed, put on makeup and smiled. It was wonderful. For the first time I felt strong, independent and driven to be the best person, mom, friend and employee I could be. This didn’t happen everyday but the days it did have been the best. On the days that didn’t, these new amazing moms I met were right by my side supporting me, encouraging me and cheering me up. Of all the friendships I have had over the years, never have I cherished any so much as these. Single motherhood is the best and the worst of times. It can be so challenging that sometimes it’s a struggle to even see the rewards. Having someone by your side to remind you that it’s okay and give you a boost is a miracle at times. I only wish that I have been able to return the favor. 

Now, I have to pack up my new independent life and return to a place I literally ran from. I have to leave people who mean the world to me, a countryside home I adore and small town life I so wanted to have. I am terrified to take a new step, a new job and venture towards an area that brought me so much pain.  Where would I be though if I didn’t take new steps and accept challenges? Whether you’re a single mom or not taking chances is how we learn, move forward and change. I have grown so much as a person and a mom in just the short time I lived in this area and I am forever grateful for it. I believe that I am stronger and more confident as a single mother than I ever was or would have been had I not come here. Its time to make the best decision I can to give my daughter the best life that she could possibly have. It won’t always be easy but it certainly isn’t impossible. I hope this new opportunity turns into a wonderful adventure for us and that I make good choices and bad and continue to learn and grow. 

To my moms, you know who you are, Thank you. Thank you for making me a stronger person, helping me move forward, listening to difficulties and giving wonderful advice. It’s amazing how much can be done while drinking wine. You all are truly wonderful, inspiring, strong independent mommas and I am so grateful to have you in my life. So, this isn’t good bye, this is more like Bon Voyage, because I’ll see you on my next trip. 

The Unemployment Train...

Its 9:00 am, my daughter is actually still asleep and I am just now waking up. The idea of getting out of my bed seems useless and unnecessary. What if I just don’t get up today? I eventually get up and so does Mia and we make are way through making a late breakfast and coffee for mommy. Its Sunday so in many homes this may be the way it goes, however, this has been my daily habit for a couple weeks now. I have been quite surprised at how well my daughter has handled this transition into mommy’s lack of motivation and routine. I really have a trooper on my hands. You never know what the world is going to throw at you next it seems, and I was definitely not ready for this twist in the road. You see, a few weeks a go I walked into my office and carried on my usual daily work. I spoke with co-workers, handled some problems checked paper work and all while feeling extremely ill from my inflamed stomach problems at the time. When out of the blue my boss walks into the office and says “we need to talk and your not going to like it”. I was terminated on the spot, asked to clean out my things and told to leave with no severance, no two weeks and no respect. So, in less than an hour I went from a single working mommy to a single unemployed mommy or rather mess. 

I am sure being unemployed as a single woman is hard but as a single mom it’s terrifying. As I drove down the road tears flooded my eyes and every worry and concern seemed to smack in the face at once. How would we survive? What am I going to do about food? We have no insurance. So I went home cried, took a 20-minute nap and got up and applied to 3 jobs before picking up my daughter from her babysitter. I didn’t want to pick her up in the condition I was when I got home. At first I was depressed but I felt pretty motivated about the new opportunities that lay ahead. Lets be honest, I was not happy at that job and so maybe this was a break for me. However, as the weeks progressed and multiple job interviews turned into nothing I slowly lost that motivation. This morning I woke up feeling tired, sad and hopeless. When multiple people make comments about your weight and ask if your “okay”, you start to realize that maybe your not handling things as well as you thought. 

I imagine that many single moms are out there right now struggling with the same thing. How do they do it without falling apart? My only guess is taking it one day at a time. I am fortunate to have a great amount of support from my friends and family, which has really held me up these past weeks. My daughter has been wonderfully resilient and dealt with mommy even with the ups and downs of the day, driving different places for interviews and not staying in her own bed. These things I am so grateful for, even when I in a bad mood and can’t express it. So, instead of looking at the sad, depressing aspects of this current situation I am trying to look at the positives.

           

1.     I get to spend more time with my daughter

2.     I get to spend more time writing

3.     New and exciting opportunities are waiting ahead

4.     Sleeping in is actually nice sometimes.

5.     I can catch up on my reading

I realize that lately I haven’t been looking at the positives and this is my reminder to others and myself that its time to start. I truly believe that we draw energy to us that we put out.  I don’t want to draw anymore-negative energy into my life. Its time to get some positive back and enjoy this new path we are on, wherever it may lead us. 

Woman of Value....

Once long ago (long being back when I was 16) I was given some infinite wisdom and despite my red headed, stubborn, teen angst personality at that time it stuck with me. It was simply this, the words "I'm a Woman of Value" written in my journal and later up on my mirror with lipstick. I was told to repeat it, believe it, and write about it at a time when I felt far less miserable about myself than I may ever have. I kept this motto with me for years and it kept me strong until, somewhere around college I seemed to forget it again, it was always in the back of my mind but not up front where it should be. Over the weekend as I nervously prepared for my second mothers day as a single mom, cleaned house and prepared myself for a job that I feel I am failing at I remembered this lovely piece of advice. It reminded me that we cannot function at our best or be our best as mothers, employees, students, peers, friends or anything else in life unless we have faith and confidence in ourselves. 

With my head held high I returned to work yesterday with this thought in my mind and felt like I had a wonderful day. That is until a dreaded email came that evening that was passive aggressive in nature and sent me right back to the bottom again. Woe is me, fill up my pity cup I am done I thought. I was so frustrated and low that I had every bit of nerve ready to quit my job. However, I woke up at 6am and spent the next hour analyzing the situation until I realized, I was not at fault, I was a good counselor, a good employee and in fact a Woman of Value! I will save the nitty gritty of the rest of the day, and just report it wasn't the best day but it was much better than I thought it would be. 

It is so important that whether we are single mothers, co-parents, or even just ourselves alone that we have to take care of ourselves and believe in ourselves first. I know, if your anything like me your shaking your head right now and thinking of how difficult it is to find 15 free minutes in the day to "take care of yourself" with a child, a career, a house to clean, food to cook, pets to feed etc. Trust me, I think this everyday. But, the difference I feel between giving in laying in bed and not taking those five, ten or 15 minutes to myself is a life changer for me in my career and in my home life. As a counselor, I preach self care everyday but rarely do I take my own advice. It is high time this changes. What kind of counselor am I if I don't practice what I preach? I am challenging my self to look in the mirror, tell myself I am a woman of value and take some time to make it so. 

I want to challenge you to do the same. Take some time and make a list of all the things you do for yourself on a weekly basis. Now break it down to daily. On the other side make a list of all the things you do in a week and day that you do for everyone else. Next step.....rip it up! Its invigorating. Now, I am not saying forgo your motherly duties, buy a new outfit and go shake your butt at the local club, because we all know how that will turn out (put down the glitter MILF necklace). What I am saying is take at least 15 minutes out of your day for yourself. Start with small goals and than move up. Make a list of things you would like to do for yourself and prioritize. Mine are as follows: 

1. Exercise daily --- Goal: at least 3 x a week  (by starting small you won't get overwhelmed)

2. Meditate --- Goal : attend meditation once

In order to achieve these goals one plan I am working on is a membership for myself and Mia to the YMCA. This way I can take care of myself physically and mentally and spend quality time with her there as well. Mentally I am going to remind myself everyday that I am a Woman of Value and that I can do whatever I set my mind too. It sends me to work with a better mood, I am happier when I get home and in the end I am a better mother when I do this. It is so important for us all to get in the habit of doing things to support ourselves. As mothers we spend so much time caring for others and its tiring. I do this not only at home but in my job as well, so by the time I do get home, I am frustrated and tired and crabby. We should all take a minute to remind ourselves of who we really are and where we want to be. You can't care for others properly if you don't care for yourself first.