Twist in the road…

It seems that life just keeps throwing things our way and expects us to know how to deal with it. It was not even a week ago that I was struggling, terrified and unemployed, when around the corner a job offer lands in my lap. I see a door open right before my eyes only to realize another one is closing. Here it is…more….CHANGE. Instantly, I want to flee to a corner and hide, but doesn’t everybody? I am a counselor, use to change, I thrive on it, and I love it. I also absolutely hate it! I moved to southern Virginia when Mia was just fourth months old. Although, I never verbalized it to my family and friends at that time, I was in a horrible depression. I was in love with my daughter and devastated at the loss of my small family at the same time. My once outgoing and always talkative and active personality was gone. I ignored my phone, isolated myself and lived in my own private pity party for months. Of course, on the outside all anyone saw was me working, making baby food and kicking butt at the mom job. It’s funny how things aren’t always what they seem. 

It wasn’t until I met some amazing women, who were also single mothers that I even started to pull out of this funk. I began to be a mom again and stopped staring at the television in hopes that a perfect life would pop out right into my living room. I got dressed, put on makeup and smiled. It was wonderful. For the first time I felt strong, independent and driven to be the best person, mom, friend and employee I could be. This didn’t happen everyday but the days it did have been the best. On the days that didn’t, these new amazing moms I met were right by my side supporting me, encouraging me and cheering me up. Of all the friendships I have had over the years, never have I cherished any so much as these. Single motherhood is the best and the worst of times. It can be so challenging that sometimes it’s a struggle to even see the rewards. Having someone by your side to remind you that it’s okay and give you a boost is a miracle at times. I only wish that I have been able to return the favor. 

Now, I have to pack up my new independent life and return to a place I literally ran from. I have to leave people who mean the world to me, a countryside home I adore and small town life I so wanted to have. I am terrified to take a new step, a new job and venture towards an area that brought me so much pain.  Where would I be though if I didn’t take new steps and accept challenges? Whether you’re a single mom or not taking chances is how we learn, move forward and change. I have grown so much as a person and a mom in just the short time I lived in this area and I am forever grateful for it. I believe that I am stronger and more confident as a single mother than I ever was or would have been had I not come here. Its time to make the best decision I can to give my daughter the best life that she could possibly have. It won’t always be easy but it certainly isn’t impossible. I hope this new opportunity turns into a wonderful adventure for us and that I make good choices and bad and continue to learn and grow. 

To my moms, you know who you are, Thank you. Thank you for making me a stronger person, helping me move forward, listening to difficulties and giving wonderful advice. It’s amazing how much can be done while drinking wine. You all are truly wonderful, inspiring, strong independent mommas and I am so grateful to have you in my life. So, this isn’t good bye, this is more like Bon Voyage, because I’ll see you on my next trip. 

The Unemployment Train...

Its 9:00 am, my daughter is actually still asleep and I am just now waking up. The idea of getting out of my bed seems useless and unnecessary. What if I just don’t get up today? I eventually get up and so does Mia and we make are way through making a late breakfast and coffee for mommy. Its Sunday so in many homes this may be the way it goes, however, this has been my daily habit for a couple weeks now. I have been quite surprised at how well my daughter has handled this transition into mommy’s lack of motivation and routine. I really have a trooper on my hands. You never know what the world is going to throw at you next it seems, and I was definitely not ready for this twist in the road. You see, a few weeks a go I walked into my office and carried on my usual daily work. I spoke with co-workers, handled some problems checked paper work and all while feeling extremely ill from my inflamed stomach problems at the time. When out of the blue my boss walks into the office and says “we need to talk and your not going to like it”. I was terminated on the spot, asked to clean out my things and told to leave with no severance, no two weeks and no respect. So, in less than an hour I went from a single working mommy to a single unemployed mommy or rather mess. 

I am sure being unemployed as a single woman is hard but as a single mom it’s terrifying. As I drove down the road tears flooded my eyes and every worry and concern seemed to smack in the face at once. How would we survive? What am I going to do about food? We have no insurance. So I went home cried, took a 20-minute nap and got up and applied to 3 jobs before picking up my daughter from her babysitter. I didn’t want to pick her up in the condition I was when I got home. At first I was depressed but I felt pretty motivated about the new opportunities that lay ahead. Lets be honest, I was not happy at that job and so maybe this was a break for me. However, as the weeks progressed and multiple job interviews turned into nothing I slowly lost that motivation. This morning I woke up feeling tired, sad and hopeless. When multiple people make comments about your weight and ask if your “okay”, you start to realize that maybe your not handling things as well as you thought. 

I imagine that many single moms are out there right now struggling with the same thing. How do they do it without falling apart? My only guess is taking it one day at a time. I am fortunate to have a great amount of support from my friends and family, which has really held me up these past weeks. My daughter has been wonderfully resilient and dealt with mommy even with the ups and downs of the day, driving different places for interviews and not staying in her own bed. These things I am so grateful for, even when I in a bad mood and can’t express it. So, instead of looking at the sad, depressing aspects of this current situation I am trying to look at the positives.

           

1.     I get to spend more time with my daughter

2.     I get to spend more time writing

3.     New and exciting opportunities are waiting ahead

4.     Sleeping in is actually nice sometimes.

5.     I can catch up on my reading

I realize that lately I haven’t been looking at the positives and this is my reminder to others and myself that its time to start. I truly believe that we draw energy to us that we put out.  I don’t want to draw anymore-negative energy into my life. Its time to get some positive back and enjoy this new path we are on, wherever it may lead us.