Classic Intuition

Its 2:19am, which means it’s about 11:19am in Oregon, and I can’t sleep at all. Something feels wrong. I can’t explain it very well, but it’s a feeling that I just can’t shake and it’s never been wrong as long as I have been alive. Since as long as I remember I have always had extremely strong feelings of intuition. I have always known when something isn’t right with my family, especially my mother. Call it what you will, I know some think its crazy and over exaggerated but its true. It’s funny to think that I am almost 31 years old and this has always been my life. I don’t sleep too well. I never know if I am going to wake up to some horrible news, a nurse calling me or another problem along the horizon. I think I have spent the majority of my life submerged by anxiety and guilt that I can’t seem to run away from. I haven’t lived with my mother since I was 14 years old. You might think by now I would have been able to move on and ignore these feelings like others in my family but I can’t. My mother is an amazing, wonderful person who is dramatic and caring to a fault. I have always described her as Katherine Hepburn with a little too much vodka. It seems funny but if you knew her, its not. To grow up in this life is so confusing. It’s like a dream or story that you want to jump out of or re-write, but you can’t pull your self off the page. I’ve been told I don’t know what its like to watch alcoholism and mental illness first hand, but those people don’t know my life. I am not angry with her anymore I am scared. Everyday I watch residents in my program suffer alone with their illness scared and overwhelmed. I have watched them live and die with no family or friends by their side purely because others “can’t handle” them. I call bullshit. How can you turn your back on someone with an illness? Do you turn your back on someone with cancer or diabetes? 

Co-Occurring disorders are no different. She doesn’t deserve to suffer alone no matter what has happened in the past. Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one who sees this? So, here I am again up late, waiting by the phone with no answer. I spoke to the nurse…its not good, it usually isn’t. I won’t be able to sleep knowing this, how can I? It was her birthday on Friday, July 8^th, I was probably the only one who spoke to her. I wonder how it would feel to be alone at 73? My mother talks to me about the wonderful people she meets and looses and she is so very attached to them all. You see, my mother is someone who loves everyone. She may be slightly off at times, but she is one of the most caring individuals I have ever known. She always wants to help others, even when she can’t help herself. I wonder where I get that. In a few weeks I’ll be 31 and I will still be on a railroad of fear. It doesn’t matter how old we get, how far we go, or how much we try to ignore it, these things don’t just disappear. I have always been one to “talk to much” as my family would say, on the subject. But, what I don’t understand is why we should keep silent? I am living in this world that I no longer and maybe never have understood. We ignore those who suffer with something we don’t understand. Instead of using our voices we use guns and we fight hate with more hate. Is it really any wonder that I haven’t been able to sleep these past few weeks, months, years….

When I was in my twenties, I started to think about the song I would sing for my mom when she died. You think that’s morbid, don’t you? I think its real. It’s my life. Every time I hear the song now, I cry, waiting for the phone call that I know will come. My emotions switch between anger, fear and sadness like clockwork throughout the day, every day. At 4:30pm, I get off work and than I begin phone calls with the nursing home, social workers and others in Oregon to help my mom. Sometimes I get phone calls while I am at work and sometimes in the middle of the night and then sometimes I get nothing. I think the days of nothing like tonight are the worst. I have seen my mother refuse treatment, I have seen her revived by EMT’s, passed out on the floor and the silence is the most deafening. It doesn’t matter how far apart we are, or how long she wasn’t there, or how independent I may be, I can’t live without my mom. So I sit and wait and I call until she answers or the nurse tells me she’s okay. It doesn’t matter if we don’t understand, or it we’re angry, tired or unable to fix the problem, all that matters is that we’re there. That’s all anyone wants is not to be alone. Now you know the guilt I feel because I’ve left her all alone.

Calling for a return to Nature...

Isn’t it amazing that in a world of so much wonder, we as a society never seem to notice how blessed we are? In a world full of gadgets, iPhone's, technology and reality television the simple yet spectacular world around us gets forgotten. As I am sitting on my back porch (with my laptop ignoring this bliss) I realize that I too fall into this black hole. I look up to see the last glimpse of the sunset on the horizon, a barely pink sky, and the clouds moving along in preparation for a summer storm. It fascinates me. When was the last time you stopped and watched the clouds roll by? Have you ever noticed that some move while others seem to sit still? These are the things I don’t want to miss. These are the things I want to make sure my daughter cherishes. Although I live right in the middle of a major metropolitan area, I am fortunate enough to have found a 5^th floor condo that gives me the perfect view of the mountains in the distance and a glimpse past the high-rises and bright city lights. I think it’s someone’s way of attempting to keep me grounded, because sometimes only nature can do that. Today’s generation is definitely far from the one I grew up in. It saddens me that so many people miss these opportunities because they’re stuck inside glued to the television, video games or social media. Now, I love social media and technology just as much as the next person does, my only point is that sometimes it’s too much. It seems to me the more we get drawn in by this world of technology the less we pay attention to our environment. We ignore the extinction of our animals, we are too lazy to separate our trash or pick up what others have left, and we close our eyes to the hungry and the poor. As a child, I spent my days outdoors playing in the dirt, climbing trees and sneaking into my neighbors yard to ride her horses (I was a bit of a daredevil). I cherished my environment and I felt nurtured by nature and animals and all the elements combined. I hope that one day our society wakes up to see what they are missing before it’s too late. Our children are the future. Yes, we have all heard this one before but it’s true. Let us show them how we grew up. Lets remind them that the world is spectacular and filled with so many amazing phenomenon’s still waiting to be found and explained. This summer I plan to make sure that I take my daughter outside everyday. I plan to pick up the trash I see laying on the ground. I plan to play in the dirt with her, climb trees and teach her about all the wonders of nature. I am grateful for this world and everything it has to offer. I am determined to ensure that my daughter experiences everything she can. I challenge you. What are you going to do? Will you be one to sit back and ignore this wonder or will you step outside and watch the clouds roll by?  

Midnght Ramblings...

Saturday nights have certainly changed since I became a mom… a single working mom at that. As I am dozing off reading my latest self-help book on the couch with my sparkling water I realize I am probably just better off heading to bed. I get up to take out the trash and put my on my shoes, instantly realizing that one of them is soaking wet. Now, my daughter, who has been potty trained for months first comes to mind, I smell my shoe, that can’t be it so what is it? I reach down to the carpet and run my hand along the wall to realize, yet again, I have another water leak. I try to remain calm as I call the front desk and request on call maintenance and wait for their assistance. Unfortunately, maintenance than tells me that they are going to charge me $150 dollars if they come now and that I should wait until Monday. My calm goes out the window. My mind begins overloading as I think back on the previous two water issues, mildew mold, my daughters health, my health, money, and finally that fact that no laundry is getting done which will now sit in the washer half done until Monday.  My anxiety starts to rise and this is when I start to collapse.

I usually can maintain my cool these days using multiple different tools in my bag of tricks, including screaming into a pillow, however, sometimes it just boils over. Today my pot boiled over and spilled out all over the rug…literally. One really difficult part of this path for me is the lack of access to support that I feel sometimes. As a single mom there’s no one to hold my hand or run to when shit gets tough, and I am certainly not waking up a 3 year old. I use to have a huge group of friends and people in my life but something happens over time especially when you have kids and I no longer have access to them anymore. Sure my facebook is filled with “connections” but when it comes down to it, these people don’t really see me. Since my daughter was born only a small group of my friends have actually stuck around and by small I mean maybe two. Fortunately, I was able to build some new relationships with other moms but they aren’t always available, due to the same reasons I am not.

So, back to my aquatic adventure, as I start to crash I instantly reach to my phone and dial numbers only to find out that of course no one will answer at 10pm on a Saturday night. So, I do what any normal respecting sane parent would do and fall to the floor in a pile of tears. You may think I am just crying over water but that’s not the only concern. It’s a culmination of many days and weeks of similar small things adding to the current state of misery. You see, as I told my best friend (the only one available finally by phone), sometimes I feel like I am living in a sad 90’s chick flick. I mean sometimes I can laugh about it, but sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs “give me a break!”  I work so hard to be where I am and more often than not, I do it all by myself. So yes, you may see me on the outside: tough, resilient, smiling and laughing, but on the inside is an overwhelming pot of emotions just ready to spew out at something as simple as a leak. People like to give me all this advice for what a single mom should do, but at the end of the day, even though I can’t bring myself to ask for it, I just want someone there. Sometimes, all I need is a hug or to hear a voice, anything to know that I am not completely alone. I don’t want someone to tell me how to raise my daughter or criticize my choices or tease me because I can’t work out. “Figure it out”, they say. “You make time if you really want it” they say. 

Sure, live my life and than give me that advice because really, you have no idea! Maybe just a minute or two of peace would help but who wants to visit a one-bedroom apartment with a toddler? It seems that this new lifestyle is going to be something that I will always have to strive to get use to but maybe one day it won’t be just us. Maybe one day there will be someone else at the end of the phone or a helping hand. Maybe one day I won’t have to deal with bugs and leaks, past due bills, and lack of sleep. All I have is hope that I will get through this, hope that I will give my daughter the live she deserves and hope that all will work out. I do the best I can and sometimes if that means falling on the floor in a pile of tears, than that’s what I do. I let it out, brush it off and get up and try again. Its all I can do to keep moving forward and looking up and striving to be the best me I can be.