A different kind of Mothers Day

Life sure does take you on rides you never expected. I know and truly believe there is a reason for everything that happens, but I can't help but feel frustrated that I have no guidance to what that reason is! Six months ago I trekked across the country to relocate my daughter and myself to Portland, Oregon to start a new job, give my daughter the life she deserves and be closer to family, my mom particularly. It has been a whirlwind and I haven't even sat down to write since it has all happened. I started my job, met some neighbors, got Mia enrolled in school, then another school and soon to be a third (just a pattern of crazy events I will address at another time) and things finally started to feel somewhat normal....

Then, last month I got one dreaded phone call that restarted the roller coaster and sent me careening into a tunnel of terror. On March 29th, my mom was taken to Riverbend hospital for significant bleeding and received several transfusions and was transferred into the ICU. After only a couple days of testing we were informed that my mother had Stage 4 Esophageal cancer that had metastasized into her lymph nodes and she was so malnourished that any hope of treatment would only be possible with a feeding tube for assistance. My mother then made, to me, one of the most selfless decisions I had known her to make in my life, to move to hospice closer to myself and my daughter so she could spend as much of that time left near us. My mother passed on April 24th, after only a mere 2 weeks in hospice.

My life with my mother is about as complicated as any mother - daughter relationship can get, but she will forever be my mother and I never have stopped loving her despite the ups and downs. The emotions that this whirlwind has left me with are more complicated then I really ever foresaw. As a therapist I analyze which stage in the grieving process I am in only to realize that this is not your average grief. I can't seem to figure out what the next step is or how I "should" feel much less how I do. I am balancing the urge to grieve with the concerns of my daughter and her reaction, my families reaction and how I guess I think I am "suppose" to be handling this.

Its so difficult when someone passes when there were so many complicated ups and downs while they were still here. Sometimes I almost feel as if nothing happened and other days I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and anger and sadness and hurt. I become fixated on the feeling that everyone is relieved instead of grieving and my heart aches even more. Other days I feel relieved that for once in the entire 31 years of my existence I don't go to bed wondering if she is okay. So for now I will write, and breathe and take it one step at a time.

I attempted to write an obituary and it didn't seem right so then I wrote just the truth and I felt like sharing it. I hope it isn't too raw but its unedited and just what I wrote the week she died:

Kathleen Cunningham was a daughter, a sibling, a mother, a caretaker, and an addict. She didn’t take her first sip of alcohol until she was an young adult but that sip, was all it took. My mother struggled with symptoms of Mental Health and Alcoholism for the majority of her life. This left her without a home, her beloved and extravagant belongings and isolated from her family and loved ones. Her mental health symptoms began earlier in high school, but in her generation things of this nature weren’t talked about publicly and there was a serious lack of resources available to help. 

Despite my mothers long struggle with Alcoholism she still presented with a personality you just couldn’t deny. She could walk into St. Vincent De Paul's and walk out looking like she belonged on the cover of Vogue magazine. Whether it was someone on the streets or the nurses caring for her you just couldn’t help but love her. She found humor in almost everything when she was having a good day. She loved to laugh and it was an unforgettable contagious laugh that will always remain with me.  

It was during the bad days that you really saw the struggle she faced. It wasn’t just her tone or frustration, it was always in her eyes. Even when I struggled to hear her because she was being undeniably difficult, if I looked into her eyes I saw the pain, the frustration and the anxiety she faced. It is through this lens that I really was able to truly love my mother for who she was and let go of who I wanted her to be. 

My mother cared for her mother as well as her late husband through their last days, both battling cancer, only to find herself in a similar predicament. My mother was informed that she had Stage 4 Esophageal cancer and she said to me “ I hope I didn’t wish this upon myself” after we discussed the time during her addiction that she had told me that she had cancer when she did not. 

Even during her own times of struggle my mother had an innate ability to help others regardless of who they were, how they looked or where they were from. She was the kind of woman who would take a gift from a homeless woman and treat it as if she were just given gold.

She struggled with her mistakes and the decisions she made in her past as any of us do but her focus was on her children in the end and ensuring that she was not a burden to us was the most important. My mother lived in two worlds, one rich, one poor, one where she was our version of Katherine Hepburn and one where she had an added twist. 

She gave us the fortunate ability to see both sides of her. We saw the side of pain and anguish and the side where she traveled the world and had experiences that I can only dream of. She taught us that no matter what you do in life the most important thing to do is live it. 

Classic Intuition

Its 2:19am, which means it’s about 11:19am in Oregon, and I can’t sleep at all. Something feels wrong. I can’t explain it very well, but it’s a feeling that I just can’t shake and it’s never been wrong as long as I have been alive. Since as long as I remember I have always had extremely strong feelings of intuition. I have always known when something isn’t right with my family, especially my mother. Call it what you will, I know some think its crazy and over exaggerated but its true. It’s funny to think that I am almost 31 years old and this has always been my life. I don’t sleep too well. I never know if I am going to wake up to some horrible news, a nurse calling me or another problem along the horizon. I think I have spent the majority of my life submerged by anxiety and guilt that I can’t seem to run away from. I haven’t lived with my mother since I was 14 years old. You might think by now I would have been able to move on and ignore these feelings like others in my family but I can’t. My mother is an amazing, wonderful person who is dramatic and caring to a fault. I have always described her as Katherine Hepburn with a little too much vodka. It seems funny but if you knew her, its not. To grow up in this life is so confusing. It’s like a dream or story that you want to jump out of or re-write, but you can’t pull your self off the page. I’ve been told I don’t know what its like to watch alcoholism and mental illness first hand, but those people don’t know my life. I am not angry with her anymore I am scared. Everyday I watch residents in my program suffer alone with their illness scared and overwhelmed. I have watched them live and die with no family or friends by their side purely because others “can’t handle” them. I call bullshit. How can you turn your back on someone with an illness? Do you turn your back on someone with cancer or diabetes? 

Co-Occurring disorders are no different. She doesn’t deserve to suffer alone no matter what has happened in the past. Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one who sees this? So, here I am again up late, waiting by the phone with no answer. I spoke to the nurse…its not good, it usually isn’t. I won’t be able to sleep knowing this, how can I? It was her birthday on Friday, July 8^th, I was probably the only one who spoke to her. I wonder how it would feel to be alone at 73? My mother talks to me about the wonderful people she meets and looses and she is so very attached to them all. You see, my mother is someone who loves everyone. She may be slightly off at times, but she is one of the most caring individuals I have ever known. She always wants to help others, even when she can’t help herself. I wonder where I get that. In a few weeks I’ll be 31 and I will still be on a railroad of fear. It doesn’t matter how old we get, how far we go, or how much we try to ignore it, these things don’t just disappear. I have always been one to “talk to much” as my family would say, on the subject. But, what I don’t understand is why we should keep silent? I am living in this world that I no longer and maybe never have understood. We ignore those who suffer with something we don’t understand. Instead of using our voices we use guns and we fight hate with more hate. Is it really any wonder that I haven’t been able to sleep these past few weeks, months, years….

When I was in my twenties, I started to think about the song I would sing for my mom when she died. You think that’s morbid, don’t you? I think its real. It’s my life. Every time I hear the song now, I cry, waiting for the phone call that I know will come. My emotions switch between anger, fear and sadness like clockwork throughout the day, every day. At 4:30pm, I get off work and than I begin phone calls with the nursing home, social workers and others in Oregon to help my mom. Sometimes I get phone calls while I am at work and sometimes in the middle of the night and then sometimes I get nothing. I think the days of nothing like tonight are the worst. I have seen my mother refuse treatment, I have seen her revived by EMT’s, passed out on the floor and the silence is the most deafening. It doesn’t matter how far apart we are, or how long she wasn’t there, or how independent I may be, I can’t live without my mom. So I sit and wait and I call until she answers or the nurse tells me she’s okay. It doesn’t matter if we don’t understand, or it we’re angry, tired or unable to fix the problem, all that matters is that we’re there. That’s all anyone wants is not to be alone. Now you know the guilt I feel because I’ve left her all alone.

Calling for a return to Nature...

Isn’t it amazing that in a world of so much wonder, we as a society never seem to notice how blessed we are? In a world full of gadgets, iPhone's, technology and reality television the simple yet spectacular world around us gets forgotten. As I am sitting on my back porch (with my laptop ignoring this bliss) I realize that I too fall into this black hole. I look up to see the last glimpse of the sunset on the horizon, a barely pink sky, and the clouds moving along in preparation for a summer storm. It fascinates me. When was the last time you stopped and watched the clouds roll by? Have you ever noticed that some move while others seem to sit still? These are the things I don’t want to miss. These are the things I want to make sure my daughter cherishes. Although I live right in the middle of a major metropolitan area, I am fortunate enough to have found a 5^th floor condo that gives me the perfect view of the mountains in the distance and a glimpse past the high-rises and bright city lights. I think it’s someone’s way of attempting to keep me grounded, because sometimes only nature can do that. Today’s generation is definitely far from the one I grew up in. It saddens me that so many people miss these opportunities because they’re stuck inside glued to the television, video games or social media. Now, I love social media and technology just as much as the next person does, my only point is that sometimes it’s too much. It seems to me the more we get drawn in by this world of technology the less we pay attention to our environment. We ignore the extinction of our animals, we are too lazy to separate our trash or pick up what others have left, and we close our eyes to the hungry and the poor. As a child, I spent my days outdoors playing in the dirt, climbing trees and sneaking into my neighbors yard to ride her horses (I was a bit of a daredevil). I cherished my environment and I felt nurtured by nature and animals and all the elements combined. I hope that one day our society wakes up to see what they are missing before it’s too late. Our children are the future. Yes, we have all heard this one before but it’s true. Let us show them how we grew up. Lets remind them that the world is spectacular and filled with so many amazing phenomenon’s still waiting to be found and explained. This summer I plan to make sure that I take my daughter outside everyday. I plan to pick up the trash I see laying on the ground. I plan to play in the dirt with her, climb trees and teach her about all the wonders of nature. I am grateful for this world and everything it has to offer. I am determined to ensure that my daughter experiences everything she can. I challenge you. What are you going to do? Will you be one to sit back and ignore this wonder or will you step outside and watch the clouds roll by?  

Midnght Ramblings...

Saturday nights have certainly changed since I became a mom… a single working mom at that. As I am dozing off reading my latest self-help book on the couch with my sparkling water I realize I am probably just better off heading to bed. I get up to take out the trash and put my on my shoes, instantly realizing that one of them is soaking wet. Now, my daughter, who has been potty trained for months first comes to mind, I smell my shoe, that can’t be it so what is it? I reach down to the carpet and run my hand along the wall to realize, yet again, I have another water leak. I try to remain calm as I call the front desk and request on call maintenance and wait for their assistance. Unfortunately, maintenance than tells me that they are going to charge me $150 dollars if they come now and that I should wait until Monday. My calm goes out the window. My mind begins overloading as I think back on the previous two water issues, mildew mold, my daughters health, my health, money, and finally that fact that no laundry is getting done which will now sit in the washer half done until Monday.  My anxiety starts to rise and this is when I start to collapse.

I usually can maintain my cool these days using multiple different tools in my bag of tricks, including screaming into a pillow, however, sometimes it just boils over. Today my pot boiled over and spilled out all over the rug…literally. One really difficult part of this path for me is the lack of access to support that I feel sometimes. As a single mom there’s no one to hold my hand or run to when shit gets tough, and I am certainly not waking up a 3 year old. I use to have a huge group of friends and people in my life but something happens over time especially when you have kids and I no longer have access to them anymore. Sure my facebook is filled with “connections” but when it comes down to it, these people don’t really see me. Since my daughter was born only a small group of my friends have actually stuck around and by small I mean maybe two. Fortunately, I was able to build some new relationships with other moms but they aren’t always available, due to the same reasons I am not.

So, back to my aquatic adventure, as I start to crash I instantly reach to my phone and dial numbers only to find out that of course no one will answer at 10pm on a Saturday night. So, I do what any normal respecting sane parent would do and fall to the floor in a pile of tears. You may think I am just crying over water but that’s not the only concern. It’s a culmination of many days and weeks of similar small things adding to the current state of misery. You see, as I told my best friend (the only one available finally by phone), sometimes I feel like I am living in a sad 90’s chick flick. I mean sometimes I can laugh about it, but sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs “give me a break!”  I work so hard to be where I am and more often than not, I do it all by myself. So yes, you may see me on the outside: tough, resilient, smiling and laughing, but on the inside is an overwhelming pot of emotions just ready to spew out at something as simple as a leak. People like to give me all this advice for what a single mom should do, but at the end of the day, even though I can’t bring myself to ask for it, I just want someone there. Sometimes, all I need is a hug or to hear a voice, anything to know that I am not completely alone. I don’t want someone to tell me how to raise my daughter or criticize my choices or tease me because I can’t work out. “Figure it out”, they say. “You make time if you really want it” they say. 

Sure, live my life and than give me that advice because really, you have no idea! Maybe just a minute or two of peace would help but who wants to visit a one-bedroom apartment with a toddler? It seems that this new lifestyle is going to be something that I will always have to strive to get use to but maybe one day it won’t be just us. Maybe one day there will be someone else at the end of the phone or a helping hand. Maybe one day I won’t have to deal with bugs and leaks, past due bills, and lack of sleep. All I have is hope that I will get through this, hope that I will give my daughter the live she deserves and hope that all will work out. I do the best I can and sometimes if that means falling on the floor in a pile of tears, than that’s what I do. I let it out, brush it off and get up and try again. Its all I can do to keep moving forward and looking up and striving to be the best me I can be.

Snow Day 2015

Last night I easily assumed that I should just go to bed early and set my alarm because there was no way the government was closing regardless of the snow. So to my surprise, when my alarm sounded at 5:30 am and I looked down to see a notification from twitter that Fairfax County had closed I practically yipped for joy before going back to sleep. An adult snow day is practically every hard working adult, parent or grownups dream, right? Truth be told I went through the phases of excitement, job, concern, worry, stress, more stress and than back to bliss. Why, you might ask? To put it simply....work. With 62 clients, low staff, one sick staff member and a supervisor off for medical leave the past few weeks have been full of one chaotic event after another. So after a day off and now two days off I was struggling with the worries of what I will return to and the joy of spending the day with my daughter with an additional break from the chaos. Finally, I settled on the feeling of joy and happiness and decided that being stressed all day just wasn't going to cut it. I checked my phone messages and email and did what I could after a great breakfast, actually being able to watch the news and two cups of coffee.

                          

As a single parent it is so easy to get wrapped up in work, chores, cleaning and every other thing on the to do list that we rarely get to stop and breathe, much less play with our children. I try very hard to make it a priority to spend time with Mia but, that doesn't always happen. Whats worse is when I get short or frustrated when she just wants some mommy time. This is natures way of telling us all to slow down. Take a break she says, be a kid she says. So, I did and boy did we have fun! We cuddled and napped (well she napped I looked up beach houses for the summer), played inside, Skyped with friends and journeyed into the snow. Mia and mommy built her very first snowman and it made me realize that I don't have one single memory of building a snowman alone or with anyone. It is just one more reason that I will do everything in my power to cherish these moments and make sure that Mia has these memories and that we continue to make more. At the end of the day its not about us, its not about work, or how much money you make or how clean the house is, its about the child. Yes there will be days where you can't get everything done, or you miss a big moment or you get overwhelmed with work or things to do, but your child won't remember the few moments like these they will remember the big moments when mommy took a break, playing in the snow, cuddling on the couch.

Top: Me, mom and Great Grandma B, Bottom: Me, daddy, my half-sisters, Great Grandma and the doggies, than finally me and Great Grandma B

   
I am glad that I had this helpful reminder today not only that I can't do everything but that I don't have to. Today I got two wonderful surprises that reminded me how precious time and memories are. First was the snow day and second was the surprise package of childhood photos I got that I had never seen. Now, I certainly can't change my childhood (which had its own wonderful moments), but I can most definitely make sure Mia has the best childhood I can give her. She doesn't need toys, or treats or extra things all she needs is me, and all I need is her. Happy Snow Day 2015!

Becoming a City Slicker....

The alarm sounds, toddler whizzes past the bathroom and straight for the couch....distant warnings in the background "watch out for the.." and its too late the floor won this fight 1-0. As the mother comes out and picks up her darling daughter off the floor she sighs and wonders how long it will take for the coffee to brew....

The transition from baby to toddler is certainly an interesting one to say the least. I didn't count on it being so exciting when I decided, or more or less was thrown into a huge life change including a new job, a move and then another move. I can't fathom that July was the last time I even sat down to my writing. It's true what they say about time flying by faster and faster as we get older. Its even worse when you have a kid! I feel like the days are slipping away so quickly and wondering how this happens. My beautiful daughter has grown so amazingly over the past few months into a rambunctious, very independent, extremely verbal and dramatic toddler. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this single mom game the tables turned!

In truth its actually quite wonderful even with the ups and downs, so here's a quick peek into what all has happened over the past few months. In November Mia and I finally were able to move into our own place! Just a little taste of the difference between Roanoke and Northern Va. We went from a huge 2 bedroom basement apartment for $650 a month to a 818 square feet one bed condo for $1150. Yes you read right, talk about a price change. Fortunately we have managed to make it work.

Mia's Dresser

My Bed

Mia's Bed

As you can see the bedroom is split so Mia and I both have our own side. Although, it is not up yet I plan to also hang a curtain from the ceiling that will act as a divider which will be somewhat sheer so it still gives me an idea into what she is doing when shes being quiet and mischievous. The dinning room, living room and kitchen are coming along quite nicely too, however, I would like to be more organized than I am currently. Just one of my many 2015 new years resolutions. Life in the city has definitely been different with both good and bad parts. I am back in Alexandria in close proximity to Old Town which is a dear love of mine. I am fortunate to be able to share all of this with Mia. Old Town Alexandria is home to the Torpedo Factory Art Center  which is a great place to stroll and often their are musicians hanging around front playing and bringing life to the streets. This is our go to on the weekends now.



















The next place I am planning to check out is a place in Fairfax called PB and Jack , which apparently has yoga classes on the weekend, which I would love to get into if I can afford it. We are fortunate to be in an area with so many museums, activities and opportunities which does excite me. However, one realization I have come to in returning home is that I have limited to no connection with my old social groups. You always hear how things change when you become a parent but I never expected my friends to be that way. Since I have been home I have only seen my old friends twice. I am learning not to take it to heart when I see them out doing things but unwilling to interact with me and Mia.

There seems to be some disconnect between those who have kids and those who don't, silly to me but quite true. Just the other day, an old friend went downtown to walk around and do brunch, when I inquired why she didn't call me she said "you have a kid". Well, brace yourself moms, apparently "kids" don't walk and definitely can't do brunch. Excuse my snickers, but, are you serious? Yes, she was very serious. So I dearly miss the meetups, the close group of parents I had in Roanoke and the connections I had made. Fortunately, I have maintained those contacts and it has encouraged me to look for more up here. I have joined a few meetups and will be sure to post how they turn out.

On the sperm donor front, moving home has made little to no change. I drove to see Mia's father once since we have been home and it ended in me buying dinner for him and the children and a request for money for laundry. Mia's paternal grandmother and other family members have been exactly the same, no contact, no response. I am coming to terms, although slowly, with the very realistic truth that Mia will not have her father in her life. I feel like this is something that will always pull on my heart strings and sometimes I wonder whether I have to strength to manage, but I know in the end this is better. She is thriving, talking so much and one of the happiest toddlers I have ever seen and there is no way I will put her at risk to be pulled into a negative relationship with an alcoholic who refuses to grow up. I am realizing that I cannot change him no matter how hard I try or what field I am in. I can however, protect my daughter and give her everything she needs. She does not need to know the negative things about her father or even why he's not around, right now she just needs to be loved and supported and that is what she will get.

The job with Pathway Homes, Inc. that I took when I moved has been beyond amazing for us. It has really enlightened me into the world of homelessness, which was not one of my expertise. The new challenges and benefits of an upper level management position have really taught me a great deal and given me an amazing opportunity to share my knowledge with a younger generation in the field of Mental Health. 

Its been a lot of changes, too many to really post here but as you can see, we seem to be doing alright. I will be writing more and focusing on freelance as I continue to get settled and organized here in the city. Happy 2015, its going to be great!

Twist in the road…

It seems that life just keeps throwing things our way and expects us to know how to deal with it. It was not even a week ago that I was struggling, terrified and unemployed, when around the corner a job offer lands in my lap. I see a door open right before my eyes only to realize another one is closing. Here it is…more….CHANGE. Instantly, I want to flee to a corner and hide, but doesn’t everybody? I am a counselor, use to change, I thrive on it, and I love it. I also absolutely hate it! I moved to southern Virginia when Mia was just fourth months old. Although, I never verbalized it to my family and friends at that time, I was in a horrible depression. I was in love with my daughter and devastated at the loss of my small family at the same time. My once outgoing and always talkative and active personality was gone. I ignored my phone, isolated myself and lived in my own private pity party for months. Of course, on the outside all anyone saw was me working, making baby food and kicking butt at the mom job. It’s funny how things aren’t always what they seem. 

It wasn’t until I met some amazing women, who were also single mothers that I even started to pull out of this funk. I began to be a mom again and stopped staring at the television in hopes that a perfect life would pop out right into my living room. I got dressed, put on makeup and smiled. It was wonderful. For the first time I felt strong, independent and driven to be the best person, mom, friend and employee I could be. This didn’t happen everyday but the days it did have been the best. On the days that didn’t, these new amazing moms I met were right by my side supporting me, encouraging me and cheering me up. Of all the friendships I have had over the years, never have I cherished any so much as these. Single motherhood is the best and the worst of times. It can be so challenging that sometimes it’s a struggle to even see the rewards. Having someone by your side to remind you that it’s okay and give you a boost is a miracle at times. I only wish that I have been able to return the favor. 

Now, I have to pack up my new independent life and return to a place I literally ran from. I have to leave people who mean the world to me, a countryside home I adore and small town life I so wanted to have. I am terrified to take a new step, a new job and venture towards an area that brought me so much pain.  Where would I be though if I didn’t take new steps and accept challenges? Whether you’re a single mom or not taking chances is how we learn, move forward and change. I have grown so much as a person and a mom in just the short time I lived in this area and I am forever grateful for it. I believe that I am stronger and more confident as a single mother than I ever was or would have been had I not come here. Its time to make the best decision I can to give my daughter the best life that she could possibly have. It won’t always be easy but it certainly isn’t impossible. I hope this new opportunity turns into a wonderful adventure for us and that I make good choices and bad and continue to learn and grow. 

To my moms, you know who you are, Thank you. Thank you for making me a stronger person, helping me move forward, listening to difficulties and giving wonderful advice. It’s amazing how much can be done while drinking wine. You all are truly wonderful, inspiring, strong independent mommas and I am so grateful to have you in my life. So, this isn’t good bye, this is more like Bon Voyage, because I’ll see you on my next trip.