Saturday nights have certainly
changed since I became a mom… a single working mom at that. As I am dozing off
reading my latest self-help book on the couch with my sparkling water I realize
I am probably just better off heading to bed. I get up to take out the trash
and put my on my shoes, instantly realizing that one of them is soaking wet.
Now, my daughter, who has been potty trained for months first comes to mind, I
smell my shoe, that can’t be it so what is it? I reach down to the carpet and
run my hand along the wall to realize, yet again, I have another water leak. I
try to remain calm as I call the front desk and request on call maintenance and
wait for their assistance. Unfortunately, maintenance than tells me that they
are going to charge me $150 dollars if they come now and that I should wait
until Monday. My calm goes out the window. My mind begins overloading as I
think back on the previous two water issues, mildew mold, my daughters health,
my health, money, and finally that fact that no laundry is getting done which
will now sit in the washer half done until Monday. My anxiety starts to rise and this is when I start to
collapse.
I usually can maintain my cool
these days using multiple different tools in my bag of tricks, including
screaming into a pillow, however, sometimes it just boils over. Today my pot
boiled over and spilled out all over the rug…literally. One really difficult
part of this path for me is the lack of access to support that I feel
sometimes. As a single mom there’s no one to hold my hand or run to when shit
gets tough, and I am certainly not waking up a 3 year old. I use to have a huge
group of friends and people in my life but something happens over time
especially when you have kids and I no longer have access to them anymore. Sure
my facebook is filled with “connections” but when it comes down to it, these
people don’t really see me. Since my daughter was born only a small group of my
friends have actually stuck around and by small I mean maybe two. Fortunately,
I was able to build some new relationships with other moms but they aren’t
always available, due to the same reasons I am not.
So, back to my aquatic adventure,
as I start to crash I instantly reach to my phone and dial numbers only to find
out that of course no one will answer at 10pm on a Saturday night. So, I do
what any normal respecting sane parent would do and fall to the floor in a pile
of tears. You may think I am just crying over water but that’s not the only
concern. It’s a culmination of many days and weeks of similar small things
adding to the current state of misery. You see, as I told my best friend (the
only one available finally by phone), sometimes I feel like I am living in a
sad 90’s chick flick. I mean sometimes I can laugh about it, but sometimes I
just want to scream at the top of my lungs “give me a break!” I work so hard to be where I am and more
often than not, I do it all by myself. So yes, you may see me on the outside:
tough, resilient, smiling and laughing, but on the inside is an overwhelming
pot of emotions just ready to spew out at something as simple as a leak. People
like to give me all this advice for what a single mom should do, but at the end
of the day, even though I can’t bring myself to ask for it, I just want someone
there. Sometimes, all I need is a hug or to hear a voice, anything to know that
I am not completely alone. I don’t want someone to tell me how to raise my
daughter or criticize my choices or tease me because I can’t work out. “Figure
it out”, they say. “You make time if you really want it” they say.
Sure, live
my life and than give me that advice because really, you have no idea! Maybe
just a minute or two of peace would help but who wants to visit a one-bedroom
apartment with a toddler? It seems that this new lifestyle is going to be
something that I will always have to strive to get use to but maybe one day it
won’t be just us. Maybe one day there will be someone else at the end of the
phone or a helping hand. Maybe one day I won’t have to deal with bugs and
leaks, past due bills, and lack of sleep. All I have is hope that I will get
through this, hope that I will give my daughter the live she deserves and hope
that all will work out. I do the best I can and sometimes if that means falling
on the floor in a pile of tears, than that’s what I do. I let it out, brush it
off and get up and try again. Its all I can do to keep moving forward and
looking up and striving to be the best me I can be.
